Shopping Isn’t What it Used to Be…

Dear Fellow Shoppers of the World,

Like a new puppy, I realize you have an undeniable impulse to want to “peek” into my stroller and make gushy baby noises at my little one. I also realize she is pretty damn cute, just like her Momma, and that’s not just me being biased. But please, for the love of god, be considerate!

DO NOT stick your head into my car seat carrier to get a better look at my baby without asking for permission. That’s not only rude you have NO idea how my little one will react. Recently this happened to me not once, not twice, but three times in a 2 hour shopping period. One person even had the audacity to say to me; “She’s so sweet!  Usually babies cry when you stick your head in to get a better look and she doesn’t recognize you.”

Seriously? Do you even hear yourself? If you think there is even the slightest chance this exhausted Momma will have to deal with a screaming baby from you actions here’s a tip; MAYBE. YOU. SHOULDN’T.

DO NOT touch my baby. I’m not even sure why I need this has to be said. No, I’m not a germ-phobic, in fact I think germs are good for babies but I don’t know you, I have never met you, and I don’t feel the need to unnecessarily expose my baby to whatever fun-filled viruses you may or may not have. And don’t tell me you washed your hands in the bathroom already after the fact. I don’t know when you went to the restroom and I wasn’t there holding your hand. So don’t try to hold my baby.

DO NOT refer to my baby as “Little Guy”. She is dressed in pink, has a pink car seat carrier, is wearing a pink bow with a pink pacifier in her mouth with a pink doll next to her face. Think before you speak and recognize the PINK.

And why? Why would you see a sleeping baby and STILL try to talk to her? Do you know how long it took me to get her to sleep so I can shop? Give me your phone number so I can call you at 2AM and see how cheery you would be by waking up to the sounds of me saying “Well hello there sunshine! Goochy Goochy Goo! I see you!”

More importantly, be respectful. Understand the mother of an infant is exhausted. She probably doesn’t even remember what it feels like to get 4 consecutive hours of sleep. Going shopping is hard enough and she is probably racing against two clocks- a “Feed Me” clock and a “Pump the Jugs!” clock. And as much as I would love to stand here and listen about your kids when they were born, your newest grand children, and about your labor, be respectful of our time. New Mommas are finding a balance for getting stuff done and taking care of our little ones. We don’t mean to be rude we are just on a mission and you are not a part of that plan.

So next time you see a hurried, exhausted Momma trying to open a door with one hand and wheel in an over packed stroller in the other…just help us thru the door, smile, and say no more. On behalf of new Momma’s everywhere we appreciate your attention and immediate consideration.

XOXO,

First Time EXHAUSTED Momma



I Don’t Want to Play Mom Today…

I don’t want to play Mom today.

I just want to stay in bed all day.

I don’t want to cook,

Just read a good book.

I don’t want clean,

Just take a bath and blow off steam.

I don’t want to fold laundry or scrub the floors,

I don’t want to play Mom anymore.

I’d rather be at the beach,

Pina Coladas are such a treat!

Spending my days in the warm summer sun,

Oh my goodness, that sounds like so much fun.

Then I see my baby smile and it occurs to me,

Being her mom is exactly what I want to be.

SG

Why I wanted my little to be due on 11/22.

When I found out I was pregnant I was ecstatic. When the doctor said I was due on November 22, I was even more ecstatic. That gave me a chance.

A chance…to see Hunger Games; Mocking Jay Part 1 on November 21st.

Oh yes, you read that right. For absolutely the most selfish reasons in the world I decided November 22nd would work for me. Let’s not pencil that in, let’s chisel that date in stone!

Momma needed to see Hunger Games on its November 21st release date. I’m a huge fan and that date of November 22nd was sweet, sweet words to my ears.

From that day forward, I would rub my belly, sing to my belly, feed my belly as much root beer and Panda Express my belly craved, and would delicately remind my little;

“Remember, you are to stay cooking until November 22nd. We have a deal.”

I was not your typical pregnant lady standing on her head, eating peppers or oil, or going for long walks to “Get that Baby Out!”. I was the future Momma sitting on the couch with her legs closed reminding her little to keep on cooking.

People started taking notice about my goal to see Hunger games, friends, co-workers, even my husband’s co-workers would tell me “I’m rooting for 11/22!”.

Can I get an amen?

I had convinced myself, even if I was in labor, I would just push through the contractions with popcorn in one hand and a non-caffeinated soda pop in the other, while watching Hunger Games in theater, Imax of course. This must happen, this will happen. Everyone told me with your first baby, you are 100 times more likely to go overdue. Even better! That means I could see the Hunger Games maybe two times.

muhahah

My little was born on November 20th.

Of course she was.

If I am Not a Mother…

During the week my little has scheduled playdates with her grandma, also known as Mema. These playdates are paid for by me with the promise of Dutch Bros Coffee and the delivery of my little by 10AM. When I pull up and bring my little inside I am usually quickly ushered off to, “Go get your nails done” or “Go shopping”.

Okay, I’ll go shopping.

It’s during these play dates I found I am lost without my little.

As crazy as it sounds, if I am not a mother, I’m just not anything.

I have literally found myself just walking up and down store isles aimlessly, no reason, just walking up and down like a zombie in search of a viable brain.

Up and down. Oh, sale on jello. Do we have jello? Wait, do I even eat jello?

Without my little I am seriously lost. It’s a new concept for me, and I hope I am not alone when I say this. Prior to my pregnancy I was 100% career focused, driven to travel and invest my time into life-altering ambitions.

Now, I stand in the isle at Winco deciding on what sugar free jello to buy. 2 hours later, I buy the jello.

Everything in my being wants me to type “Sad but true” but I just can’t. Because while it’s true, it certainly shouldn’t be described as sad. Being a mother is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I realize now the time and energy I put into being the best version of myself for my little has taken away all other outside influences. That doesn’t mean I am reduced into a meager version of myself. At the end of the day, the transition into motherhood just means it’s not just about me anymore.

My little means everything for me, every choice here on forward is about her, including jello.

Miniature Human is Defective- A Cat’s Appeal to Her Human Subordinates

Dear Human Subordinate,

It has been 99 days since you have brought the miniature human home. And while her size is a bit more acceptable to me, the smaller model is simply not meeting my satisfactions. In an effort to maintain our mutually beneficial relationship, i.e. you feed, scratch, play, I allow you to occasionally pet my head; I insist you reconsider the miniature human’s occupancy at my residence.

I have itemized a list of problems with the current miniature human model;

I have found the miniature human quite noisy at times. These random outbursts of crying have prevented me from getting my regularly scheduled 18 hours of sleep per day. Everyone knows if I don’t get at least 16 hours of sleep, I’m a real beast.

I have noticed a rise in small toys throughout the home, which I find quite nice to bat around the room. However, I am getting frustrated with you human subordinates telling me “No” and “For the baby”.  I find the miniature human has no need for such small items especially since she just attempts to shove these items in her mouth instead of practicing her hunting skills. She is a terrible hunter.

I am extremely pleased to see there has been a steady increase in milk supply in the home. More so I appreciate everyone now doing their part by smelling like the sweet aroma of milk. You must have received my last memo entitled, “We need more milk”. However, none of this milk has been allocated to me. I check the bowl daily and so far there has been no change. I demand the milk be dispensed to me immediately; the miniature human has had more than her fair share.

The miniature human, unlike the human subordinates, has not allowed me to use the comfort of her lap as a pillow. In fact, I distinctly remember the female human subordinate using that high pitch tone when I first attempted to rest on the miniature human. Regardless I found the miniature human quite lumpy and not at all comfortable. The miniature human must be informed part of her duty as a part of the human clan is to allow unlimited lap allowance at my discretion.

Lastly, I have not located where you intend to allow the miniature human to “do her business”. In fact, you seem to encourage the miniature human to do her business inside a piece of disposable cloth tied around her butt. This does not necessarily bother me except to say, don’t get any bright ideas.

In closing, I appreciate your attempts in rewarding me with a miniature human, more acceptable in size. Regretfully I must inform you I this model is broken and should be returned immediately. I assume you have a warranty of some sorts with money back guarantee and suggest you look into this right away.

Meow,

Angel the Cat Ambassador

Angel ATA